Like your junior high school bully, life will corner you in a dingy dark alley; rough you up with a makeshift blade and rifle through your pocket for whatever soul you may have kept in there.
You call Dorian Grey a coward, but the poor bastard as shallow as he may have been, had the right idea, although the wrong reasons motivated him.
Soul crushing heartbreak, venereal diseases, student loans, nauseating hangovers and 3 minute noodles is what await you should you dare enter your 20s.
“Do you fear death? Do you fear that dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare. All your sins punished. I can offer you...an escape.”
Well, not an escape per se, but a few flashing neon lights that hopefully lead you to paradise, also known as your 30s, or so I am told.
Saying you hate people or you’re too socially awkward to make friends does not fly anymore when you are in your 20s. However, you need to surround yourself with genuine people, with whom you have goals in common.
It may seem like you can do it all by yourself right now, but when you finally have your nervous breakdown and you need someone to peel you off the bathroom floor at a local bar because you are wasted, you will begin to understand the value of friends.
You should go through your 20s with friends you made when you were in your late teens and early 20s.
Sure, you may make more friends along the way but not all of them will be as reliable as those you knew when you still had braces. Just because you are all adults now, doesn’t mean you’re past all the childish drama.
You may think you are making a friend only to find that they are gathering information on you to stab you in the back. That is not to say all new friends are bad, it’s just a warning that you should be cautious about whom you take to Kapana.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember when you are in your 20s is to never trust your best friends when they tell you that you are only going to have one drink and call it a night.
Do not make that mistake, especially when you have to work the next day because before you know it they will be cheering you on while you are drunk dancing on table tops screaming “turn down for what?”
Create dating standards for yourself and stick to them, you will regret not doing it when you wake up next to a balding, greying overweight spouse whose snores keep the neighbours up at night.
It affects your children because they will take after the least attractive parent and you will end up having to arrange a marriage for them where they have to keep a paper bag over their head for the entire ceremony.
Do not compromise, and importantly, love yourself more than you love your partner. That way they don’t walk all over you.
The moment they start treating you like a second-class citizen you should walk away from them. Life is hard enough without having to beg someone for scraps of love.
Get your degree before you decide to do anything. Travelling the world and living life may seem like a good idea right now because your rich friends are doing it.
However, you will realise it was not such a great idea when you are in your 30s and have to sit in the same class at varsity as 18 year olds because you have no experience or any qualifications.
If you were thinking of becoming a prostitute to sustain your lifestyle, let me tell you now that you don’t have what it takes. You will find there is a hotter, younger thang that looks like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman, who can do “it” much better than you ever could.
Twerking has become a teen-prerequisite.
When you finally get a job, make sure you take your backbone with you. Office politics, horrible bosses, mouthy colleagues and touchy cleaners who cannot keep their hands to themselves are what you are most likely to encounter.
Do not be afraid of change when the time eventually comes, especially if you have plans of running your own business some day.
But none of that matters if you don’t have a bottle of vodka or a decent merlot, because Lord knows most people can’t make it through their 20s sober.