The ranting of a fashion nut: Sweet nothings

27 February 2015
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It is easy to dish out a heavy tongue-lashing on fashion faux pas and then pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

However, when you are on the receiving end of the verbal assault, it doesn’t feel as good, and it actually feels like garbage disposal just dumped a year’s worth of trash on you, but it helps to put things in perspective.

It always helps when you walk a mile in someone else’s shoes because it makes you more empathetic to their struggles.

Fashion critic or not, everyone has a bad fashion day, or two, but those that criticise never want to be criticise.

Take me for example, I will be the first to laugh at what I think is a horrendous get-up, but when I am having a bad day, I want to be left alone.

If you dare look at me the wrong way, I will make sure you will only be able to eat from a straw when I am done with you.

People say I can be mean (when they actually mean the other word that starts with the second letter in the alphabet) when it comes to critiquing fashion.

This had me thinking, should I rein myself in before I start ranting from here to Timbuktu?

They say if you have nothing nice to say you should keep quiet, but that’s not the right approach to life because you should always voice your concerns.

So perhaps it’s best to think long and hard before you criticise someone’s fashion and think of a nice way to tell him or her that they look like crap.

But then again they say that fashion is relative. One man’s fashionable item is another’s garbage from three seasons ago.

One thing I have learnt is that the more you tell someone not to do something, the more they want to do it. Besides, it’s your opinion and not a scientifically proven fact.

So for all I know it is because of all these fashion critics that people are going about life dressed like clowns. Lady Gaga proved that, because the moment people stopped being shocked and commenting on her bizarre fashion she started dressing like all the other celebrities.

I would like to tell you sweet nothings about how to dress – real sweet, the kind of things that make you blush; call me daddy and run to the closet to change.

However, that is not me; I am that tannie that all the kids in the neighbourhood think is crazy. I yell, stomp my feet and chase after them in a towel with perming rollers in my hair, and when it comes to fashion I do that with my mouth.

In my defence, I don’t criticise the fashion trend but I criticise how someone executes it. Personally, I think it’s time people retired the legging fashion for a year or two, but I will not criticise anyone for wearing them, because heck I have a pair of my own.

But what I will criticise is wearing leggings and having your camel toe exposed for the world to see, or wearing leggings so sheer you might as well be walking around naked.

So I may not be able to whisper sweet nothings to you, but rest assured I won’t make fun of you for dressing like a hippie, unless you have smelly dreadlock because then we have a problem.

So be kind when I’m having my bad day and feel free to hit me over the head with a brick if you can see my camel toe.

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