His reindeer are only built to fly over Europe and North America where the winters are blistering cold, he said in a long-winded letter to me, but having known him for eons I have concluded it’s because a majority of the parents in Africa don’t have the money to hire him for his over-extravagant service.
Why so overly suspicious of Santa, you might ask. Because I found reindeer droppings on my veranda which made his entire story fall apart.
No matter, Santa said that we have all been good this year. Although it would have pleased him to place us strategically on his “lap” as he listens to our wishes for this festive season.
While he determines how good or bad we are like the paedophile he is, he sent out advice that he hopes will help us all carpe diem.
I was tasked to panel-beat his letter before sending it out but ke December boss and I had already started my holiday procrastination ritual so I cannot be bothered to.
Dear good boys and girls (both young and old)
Nothing would have given me more pleasure than to have you sitting on my lap and listen to the year you’ve had and what presents you wish I would get.
However, it’s not financially viable for me to fly from the North Pole on my own dime, spend my own money on your gifts with no sign of reimbursement in sight.
However, my poor reindeer, heavens bless their sweet souls, are not built to visit a continent with searing hot temperatures; they would lose their ability to fly.
However, I am sending you some advice (because it won’t cost me a dime) because words of inspiration can take you further than any gift ever could.
Remember that last year you said you were going to turn your life around, seize every moment, and dive in head first into any and all prospects that caught your eye? Well you did not do any of that so here are a few things to get you started for next year.
Everyone loves a good impersonator if he is worth his weight in gold the same applies for me. This year ask your oversized uncle, you know the one who no-one leaves unsupervised with children because of his sexually deviant tendencies, to dress up like me and hand out N$10 gifts from Pep to the entire family. He would be the closest reflection of me because I am so generous and handing out free gifts that actually cost money is my life’s work.
I know it is hard to get a real Christmas tree over there, pine trees are known to be overgrown invasive species in parts of southern Africa but give it a shot. You can steal a large branch from your neighbours’ tree or cut down the entire tree, which will most likely not fit in your living room and cause a rift between you and your neighbours, but who cares! You are trying to live a little and have the perfect Christmas.
Try sticking to your budget because going to a cash loan is not worth it, especially for a day that everyone will forget in a couple of weeks when the decorations have been taken down.
Your family will be pleased with the little that you can provide because the day is about being with those who love you.
If everyone knows that you’re tone deaf then this one is for you. Why not serenade your neighbours by carolling all through the night. Your cat may commit suicide, you may be egged, but you would have come close to recreating at least one scene from the movie Nativity.
Instead of the annual braai at Goreangab Dam, which usually ends with someone being stabbed, why not have dinner at home. Shoprite Checkers usually sell reasonably priced turkeys this time of the year and Google will teach you how to make decent eggnog. You too can have a Christmas dinner like the ones you usually see on TV (minus the peaceful relatives who will not bicker once they are drunk).
Lastly, seeing, as I can’t do it myself do buy actual presents for each other. It does not have to be something pricey because we all know most of you are cheapskates it’s not the price that matters but the thought that counts.
If you can follow my advice, then it should not be hard for you to implement your ridiculous New Year resolutions. Now go on and have a merry Christmas.
St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Clause a.k.a. Cool Boy a.k.a. DJ Fatty.