Let me free my mind
When someone does something wrong to you, you usually comfort yourself with the saying, “what goes around comes around”.
Or if you from the ‘new school”, you say the famous phrase “Karma is a B@#ch”, but are the new generation kids of Botswana allowed to say that out loud, considering the name of their president? Hmmmm…
Local Hip-Hop artists are finally getting good at their craft. I get it; we adopted the genre from the United States, but come on, we are in Africa! There are certain things that don’t apply in the African context.
Imagine this: you write your song, it has become a hit, but you have a grandmother deep in the village, who has been hearing that her grandson or granddaughter is making it big in the city. She invites you and asks you to translate the song to her word for word, because she is feeling it, but there is a phrase, “I’m the shit”. Hmmm, translate that.
Sex education is also vital in this day and age. Every day there are new things that we learn about, for example, how the G-spot of a man is in the rectum, and how apparently straight guys are afraid to verify that claim, because they are scared they might like it.
The one thing that has never been answered for me is this: sex between three people is a threesome; sex between two people becomes a twosome, now how come ‘handsome’ is still a compliment?
The other thing is that Wambos are a blessed tribe, really! You know as a child, I grew up listening to teachings from fairy tales, and one particular one stuck, the story about the princess and the frog.
The moral of the story is that a girl has to kiss a couple of frogs, before finding her prince. How much more blessed can a girl be than to be born in a tribe that does not only kiss the frogs, but eat that amphibian like groceries? This means every marriage they go through is with a prince, oshili!
Damaras are the smartest tribe also. Besides being good doctors, the president of the country is from that tribe. Damaras have mastered the art of whispering a click. They have for years showed us the way.
For those that want to live a healthy lifestyle, diet is vital to reaching your goals. Don’t believe me? Look at the Damaras, they have been eating ass (as in Donkey, geez get your mind out of the gutter) for decades and boom #bootygoals! No squat no nothing! So if you want that booty, you better change your diet.
The Chinese also must just calm down; this whole thing of putting billions in containers, and having ivory cartels, must stop for real. It’s not our fault they have a below average tool. They must be content with what they have. But like every other story there are two sides to a coin.
With the Chinese doing this rhino horn scandal, this year Zimbabweans have been out of the picture. It’s like that time when you have been the naughty child in the family, but for once someone else messes up, so you are on the good side.
Well this is the situation! Have you realised that for once the spotlight is not on Zimbabweans and their supposed witchcraft and cockroach medicine?
As a matter of fact, I have received some rather interesting requests. Some lady came to me and asked me as a Zimbabwean, whether it is possible to make Chinese medicine as powerful as cockroach medicine. True story…
The other time one guy came to me and requested on behalf of Namibia for us Zimbabweans to get the tender for the anti-poaching campaign and programs, because now more than ever, our witchcraft expertise is needed.
Apparently we just put perimeters around the game parks, and if you point a gun or anything on a rhino, boom, the poacher’s penis migrates and relocates on their forehead, erect forever!
I wanted to be offended, but at the same time I was like since our country is under ‘renovations’, let me smile and laugh, because right now we are welcome and actually ‘needed’.
Lastly, isn’t funny that everyone last year was all about living a healthier lifestyle and eating well? I actually realised that being broke is a good motivator.
I was shocked that there was no outcry and a peaceful demonstration, because KFC had closed for renovations. Yes, last year there were complaints that KFC said they would open for “24 hours” but closed at 05h00.
I expected people to lose their minds and toyi-toyi outside KFC, so the police could finish their pepper spray cans, but all I heard was, “It is about time that they close down that place and renovate it. They must even take their time; besides I’m living a healthy lifestyle.”
And I was just here like, “JUST ADMIT YOU BROKE!”
If you didn’t find this funny, you must go see your doctor immediately, because there is a serious problem with your sense of humour.